Seinfeld The Gun Script (AKA "The Bet")

SEINFELD

"The Gun"

Written by

Larry Charles

FIRST DRAFT
9/28/90

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

COPYRIGHT (e) 1990,! CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT

|
"No portion of this script may be performed or reproduced by any
means, or quoted or published in any medium without the prior
written consent of Castle Rock Entertainment, 335 N. Maple Drive,
Suite 135, Beverly Hills, CA 90210."

SEINFELD L.

"The Gun" A
ACT ONE
SCENE A
H o

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE. THEY EAT THEIR FOOD. JERRY AND
ELAINE SEEM QUITE PLEASED WITH THEIR CHOICES. GEORGE,
» HOWEVER, IS, SURPRISE, UNHAPPY. HE STARES LONGINGLY AT
JERRY
I'm talking about lesbians!
ELAINE
Keep your voice down.
JERRY
Why? I'm not saying anything
negative about lesbians. I'm
pro-lesbian. I love lesbians. Ask
anybody. I’m Mr. Lesbian.
GEORGE
He is...
JERRY
Men are turned on by lesbians, and
yet, lesbians are turned off by

men, isn't that ironic? E

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

2.
(A)

ELAINE
Tronic or moronic?

GEORGE

u
s

He’s been listening to Lenny Bruce
again. Lemme give you some career
advice. Stick to the "supermarket"
and "laundromat" stuff, socks,
frozen food, that’s your bread and
butter. You ain’t no social
critico...

JERRY k e
You don’t think I should do more
hard-edged political material?
Make some kind of political
statement?

GEORGE
Why don’t you just set fire to
yourself on stage. That's a
statement...go down into the
audience and start smacking people.
Knock their drinks over. That's a
statement...Here, you want a good
joke for your act? I heard this
one at the office. Why'd the
Siamese twins go to England?

ELAINE

Why?
PAUSE, AS GEORGE HAS OBVIOUSLY FORGOTTEN THE PUNCHLINE.

SEINFELD 3.
“The Gun" ! (A)

GEORGE
(POUNDING THE TABLE) Oh, damn!
(TO JERRY) Why?
JERRY
Don’t look at me.
GEORGE
You, see, you made me forget.
JERRY
I did?
GEORGE
Yeah, with your biting social
commentary. i

GEORGE PONDERS.

ELAINE / os Ao
So, did I tell you’I’m’ buying a
gun?

JERRY
Is this a joke, too?

ELAINE
No, I'm serious.

GEORGE
Don't you hate that? When you
forget a punchline.

JERRY
I hate when you dent, fo I

j

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

4.
(A)
ELAINE
A lady in my building was mugged
last night. I know six people who
were mugged this year. £c

JERRY
Yea, but having a gun wouldn't
help. If they had a gun they
probably would've been killed.

GEORGE
To get to the other side?

ELAINE
Is that it?

JERRY
Not even close...what happened, did
Molly Dodd buy a gun?

ELAINE
You just don't understand what it's
like being a single woman in this
city.

GEORGE
I as ed I'm not that
masculine. It’s not a big leap for
me.

JERRY
What do you know about guns?! Are
you prepared to use it? Are you

prepared to kill somebody?

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

5.
(A)
ELAINE
I'm prepared to kill you!
GEORGE
Don't kill him...just make him zc
dance!
JERRY

You know you're not helping at all.
She wants to buy a gun.

GEORGE
I don't blame her. You need some
protection in this city. You need
sone security. After my apartment
was broken into a couple of times,
I started keeping a sword under my
bed.

JERRY
A sword? Who do you think is going
to break into your house, the
Knights of the Round Table?

GEORGE
Maybe I got what they want?

JERRY
You know, you're both crazy. I

can't even talk to you.

SEINFELD 6.
"The Gun" (A)

GEORGE
So, don't. Go put on tights and
puffy sleeves and a floppy velvet

u
$$

hat and a scroll and spread your
message of peace and love. When
they find you face down in a pool
of blood, in some alley, then
you'll be happy.

JERRY
Yeah. I'll be thrilled. You see,
you've given up! Life means
nothing to you. Instead of finding
solutions, you've given up!

ELAINE
Why don't you go, get a basket of
posies, sow the seas of love in
Central Park about 1 A.M. and see
what kind of solutions you get!

JERRY RISES.

JERRY
Elaine, if you buy a gun, you're
just perpetuating the violence!
You're as bad as the criminal!

ELAINE
I'd rather be a criminal than a
victim!

GEORGE

Me too!

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

JERRY RETURNS.

HE WALKS OUT.

JERRY
(HEATEDLY, TO GEORGE) By the way,
it’s so the other one could drive!
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
So the other one could drive! Why
did the Siamese twins go to
England? So the other one could

drive!

GEORGE
Yeah. That's it. Isn't that
funny. See, that’s the kind of
stuff you should be doing!

(A)

DISSOLVE TO:

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

(B)

ACT ONE
SCENE B

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY AND GEORGE.

GEORGE
I have got a piece of food caught
way up above my gum, beyond the
reach of my tongue.

JERRY
What Kind of a mutant are you? You
mean God short-tongued you?

GEORGE
What are you, the viper? I don’t
see you catching flies with your
tongue. Whad’ya, keep it rolled up
in your mouth like a belt?

JERRY
I can reach any area of my mouth at
any time with my tongue. That’s
the kind of function a normal
tongue should be able to perforn. sE

(MORE)

SEINFELD 9.
"The Gun" (B)

JERRY (CONT’D)
I’ve got a normal tongue, not a
stub-tongue, like you. You've got
a stub-tongue, my friend, my zc
stubby-tongued friend. You need
some kind of a tongue extender.
GEORGE
I have one. It's called a finger.
GEORGE STICKS HIS FINGER UP INSIDE HIS MOUTH.
JERRY
Arghhh! You are fired! You are
fired as my friend!

KRAMER ENTERS. HE IS BADLY SUNBURNT, PEELING LIKE A
SHARPENED PENCIL.

KRAMER

I'm back.
JERRY

Hey! How was Puerto Rico?
KRAMER

It rained the whole time.
PAUSE. JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A GLANCE.

KRAMER (CONT’D)

(RE: FACE) Oh this. They had a

defective tanning machine in the

hotel. I'm suing.

SEINFELD i 10.
"The Gun" (B)

GEORGE
I bet the women loved that.
That, "I just got back from a

nuclear explosion" look.

u
Li

JERRY
You look like "Swamp Thing goes on
vacation."
KRAMER
7 I did alright. The women like it
when you’re peeling. 7
JERRY
You’re not peeling. You're
shedding.
GEORGE
Yeah. I bet they were grabbing
strips of your skin and dancing
around you like a maypole.
KRAMER
Go ahead. Make your jokes. The
stewardess on the plane ride home
didn't seem to mind.
JERRY
Maybe she thought you were a
celebrity - DARKMAN.
GEORGE
(WITH INCREDULITY AND SARCASM) So,
you picked up a stewardess, eh,

Kramer? A little "stew" action?

SEINFELD 11.
"The Gun" (B)

KRAMER
I didn’t pick her up. We just...
HE SLOWLY THRUSTS HIS FIST FORWARD.
GEORGE

t$
+8

What, punched each other?
JERRY
No.
SUDDENLY, IT DAWNS ON GEORGE.
GEORGE
Oh! Get outta here! This!
HE MAKES FIST THRUST.

^

KRAMER
This!
HE MAKES FIST THRUST.
GEORGE
On a plane!
HE MAKES FIST THRUST.
KRAMER

“Op _ariplapds es wer? fi, ale

HE MAKES FIST THRUST.

GEORGE R
: /
GetoputtaAbérb! phi stewadress,
KRAMER Lhe
v jv.

MAB vase CEM: Millie LD er. Moa by

Decanter),

12.
(B)

GEORGE

Get out of here. No way. Did ya
go non-stop? I'vexheard: of bonus
mileage. ze heard «f flying the =:
friehdly skies{ What was the oye
DEEP THROAT? Did they have à sign
flashing "Plkase fasten leür
,congossi" X bey sha returned ypur
tray to she prie] poslsiont ^1 iP
rey yok y otsa ‘ner/ airgpace,

Come on. I can’t get laid on :
land, this quy's making it on jumbo
jets...(TO ose ATCHING

iay dá

spans 4 Vid on

r M P

E An Wh PAE of |bréd

AVS pU Kann qe ODER Rompe,
GEORGE eL
What Yan
Gh ZiX g Exper yttg-true. ' You had
sex with a stewardess ord a
so a d Df lu. abe Ph
flight: mi osi iin
Sally Ride on the space shuttle.

Come on, let's go out and rent a

polygraph machine right now!

—— aeee

Q0 ATERE AU ES
X Dig geh MANN schéhe? Uas pam BEL ew WE

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

~N

y BRAMER

ood
P / E ne CUAL «424

on) fean Worked ' ‘Ike ay /charm.
GEOBGE

What scheme. ~

N n KRAMER ,
My ox-brothert in-law, Dave p
is an diring mechanic in Miami. I
dsa his nane! and I get à i
professiona distount. Ry. for!
| hal& fires j

GEORGE

13.
(B)

pT cen eila ps :

u
P4

TO" ENTI Leer, fec,

he sse f
C

-—

ose e GAME e
S > 7

DQ. tee HL tS -
E :

Oh great. : Not., only 7
seki v h foe feos A 7. zo

dh ng(half'f re!’ What were the

other passengers Pavers! j

TER Los en "faf ERG ie
tuayp. 4 Dye te T fan fs nts 4

i

KRAMER
It was làte. The plane was enpty.

We lifted up the armrests. We had

the whole aisle to ourselves.

-— . - z
Naty gover os

mt ES
Lp? eee o, P

SEINFELD 14.
"The Gun" (B)

KRAMER
I've had sex on public
transportation before, George.

Once I had sex in the toilet of a z

+

greyhound bus going cross country
with some fat, pimply...

JERRY
Hey, I believe you! Must [ be
subjected to this sordid tale.

KRAMER
I still have her number.

GEORGE
Somehow, you and some pig in a bus,
I can buy. But this...

ELAINE ENTERS.

JERRY
Oh, look who's here. The future
Mrs. Bernie Goetz. Ask Elaine if
she thinks it's true.

GEORGE
Elaine, Kramer says he had sex with
a stewardess on the flight back
from Puerto Rico.

ELAINE
You know, I think the women's
movement has missed the boat all
these years.

(MORE)

SEINFELD 15.
"The Gun" (B)

ELAINE (CONT’D)
The issue shouldn't be legalized

abortion. It's castration.

is
$

Legalized castration.
GEORGE
Elaine!

ELAINE, \ ->
VL.

Y as AC I shopping. i Grd T2 omae a
It pute yay in a ag EN mood.

h CU N
7 “TERRY

\on arent pone have a
t ‘x

M NM s

I was just Tooke Ng.

Gud AsO § CADE M
Nen&rgy when" I'm PMS Vs HT ey
NS ? Te cut Ee
LUN eh PLE LEO

E "y —,. > 65 > E7
Yow-looking for a gun, ere
ELAINE

I’ve just started.
KRAMER
I got a stun gun you can have.
Hardly ever been used. It just
needs batteries.
ELAINE ;
I think I want something with
bullets.

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

16.
(B)
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, you should take her to
see Mo.
JERRY FEE:
Mo Korn?
KRAMER
Yea.
JERRY
Uh-uh. No Mo. No way.
ELAINE
Who's Mo Korn?
JERRY
Nobody.
ELAINE
Who's Mo, Jerry?
JERRY
This guy. Lives in my old
building. Shares an apartment with
his mother.
ELAINE X

And he sells guns?

JERRY
I'm not sure what he does. He'sa,
weird guy. I’m not gonna call him.
There’s no reason for you to

purposely meet Mo Korn.

BEINFELD
"The Gun"

17.
(B)

KRAMER
If you want, Elaine, I’ll call him.
(TO JERRY) I see him more than

you, anyway. tc
ELAINE

Would you?
KRAMER

Sure.
JERRY

Where do you see Mo Korn?
KRAMER
At the chess club. I see him all
the time.
JERRY
Well, you two can buy illegal
firearms from Mo Korn and his
mother. Count me out.
KRAMER
Elaine, you wanna see the stun gun?
ELAINE
I don’t know.
KRAMER

Don't worry...

SEINFELD
"The Gun'

GEORGE
Stewardess. Do you know what kind
of trouble she'd get into. Do you
think she'd risk her entire career
to have sex with Kramer? There are
federal regulations. Tom Cruise,
maybe. But, Kramer? At least Tom
Cruise was in TOP GUN! He might
have a note from a general: Up
JDEEICIOÓS—yOLCE)

JERRY
Well, nothing against Tom Cruise,
he's a fine young talent, but I
must warn you, our man Kramer is
capable of amazing, unheard of,
unworldly feats of sexual prowess.
It's some kind of a deal he made
with Satan. The man is a hound
from Hell!

GEORGE
Look, maybe they kissed. Maybe
they even made out. But, I'm
sorry, I do not subscribe to the
"Big Bang Theory."

JERRY
You wanna bet?

GEORGE
Yeah. I'd bet on this.

me moe eyy a

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

JERRY
How much, ten bucks?
GEORGE
Ten bucks. It’s not worth betting. z-
Who cares who wins for ten bucks.
JERRY
Well, how much. Fifty, a hundred.
GEORGE
I'd bet a thousand. That's how
sure I am.
JERRY
Alright. A thousand bucks.
GEORGE
(SURPRISED) You'd bet a thousand
bucks?
JERRY
If I knew I was going to win.
GEORGE
How do you know you’re going to
win?
JERRY
Why would I bet if I didn’t think
I'd win?
GEORGE
Do you know something that I don't

know?

A eer 9 SQ

t

BEINFELD
"The Gun"

20.
(B)

JERRY
I know he's telling the truth.
You don't seem to know that.
GEORGE £t

How do you know.

JERRY
I think.

GEORGE
You think.

JERRY

I think, therefore, I know.
GEORGE
So, you think he's telling the
truth? :
JERRY
And you think he's not.
GEORGE
I know he's not.
JERRY
How p you know?
GEORGE
(WEAKENING)...I think.
JERRY
Well, do we have a bet?
GEORGE
(LAUGHING KNOWINGLY) You bet...

HE OFFERS HIS HAND.

- =- wr w

á

SEINFELD 21.
"The Gun" (B)

GEORGE (CONT'D)
Ten bucks.
THEY SHAKE. WE HEAR AN ELECTRIC SURGE AND A KRAMER SCREAM.
ELAINE (O.C.) zc
Jerry!
DiSSOLVE TO:

SEINFELD 22.
"The Gun" (C)

:
t * ? M i^ e pe >

5 DONE. te 3 PS

-— QoS Lm Tp um ene umm us usn. cy uA a

TN zin ; .
IN A. ro iror REZ he set Ws ATEN

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Cn E T -— V PR ü 1 t
S3 0T TS p NE ceni uus n
hnk :
8B OTAVA ES 4 * H
? 2 t 4 2 DS sey COPE. tah ES Y Ti

$
ACT ONE 9 eoo sy hopie an we T at t

SCENE C D aK CT nke O puis VL Ru
$ )

EXT. MO’S APARTMENT DOOR :

JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE WAIT. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF

NUMEROUS LOCKS AND LATCHES BEING UNLOCKED.AND UNLATCHED.

p ELAINE P
l ] Ge trie of-peu ko donb. (oom IKu e rappel? o Kemer

JERRY

- ——— a

15 wasn't,nice. I’ yg,ÉXomised/to , thas c |e wre a
l Hid tms [n Hatasi You / pee ach Td GU E
duge uP in/ [a wan moment. : I wap | prs 3 bi pU
i
i
NY

aa siddepi (uii is ike s
kryptonite to a Jew.

i

NT. MO'S A

MO OPENS THE DOOR. JERRY, WENMER AND ELAINE ENTER. MO IS
OVERWEIGHT, GREASY, SLOW AND LOW KEY. A MAN OF FEW FRIENDS.

MO
Jerry, Jerry. What a surprise.

JERRY
Mo.

MO . "
Mal Look who's here! Jerry!

e y y e e a —

- æ am ow

i

SEINFELD 23.
"The Gun" (C)

MRS. KORN (0.C.)
Jarry’s here? Jerry Seinfeld.
Morris, why didn’t you tell me
Jerry was coming. I would’ve c
served something.
JERRY

Hello, Mrs. Korn.

Dii

Á

Hi, TA zu
MRS. KORN
Wait! I’m not dressed.

JERRY MAKES A FACE AT THE MENTAL IMAGE OF MRS. KORN, NAKED)

P at, Ea i Che jadis ‘s a Hexe.
m er. d

And you must be
Laine.
ELAINE
E-laine.
MO
E-laine. Oh. I thought it was
Laine.
MOM ENTERS IN "SCHMATA". SHE PLOPS ON A CHAIR.
MRS. KORN
Oy. My name is Korn and I've got
corns. Actually, that's my married
name. My name is Diamond. But, I

don't have any diamonds.

Lu P

- oe e

SEINFELD 24.
"The Gun" (C)

JERRY

How are you, Mrs. Korn?
MRS. KORN
How am I? I smoke too much and I z?

don’t have a boyfriend, right

eeu, y
Exámér? 247 ^,
MO
is Ma. es

KRAMER, IS CHAGRINED.
MRS. KORN i
He's embarrassed by everything I
say...

MO PULLS OUT A LARGE SUITCASE AND OPENS IT. INSIDE ARE A
VARIETY OF HAND GUNS. ;

MRS. KORN (CONT'D)
I don't even like to look.
MO

So, go inside Ma!

ELAINE
Wow.
ELAINE AND KRAMER IMMEDIATELY HANDLE WEAPONS. JERRY IS
IMPATIENT.
JERRY

So, Mo, when did you start selling
guns?
i MO
I don't sell guns.
MRS. KORN i
God forbid.

-— ow o yo A om oe

~ e m e

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

MO

I only do this for friends.
, KRANER ¢. e 7

(TO JERRY) Al told yh. ‘(to Ho e
Jerry thinks you're ione kind of
big time arms dealer.

MRS. KORN
Who, Mo?

MO
I wish. I'd get my own place. I'd
live in a penthouse.

MRS. KORN
And, what do you do if there's a
fire in your penthouse?

JERRY
I never said that...

MO
So, Jerry, you still play softball?

JERRY
Once in awhile.

MO
(TO ELAINE RE: WEAPON SHE HOLDS)
That's the Glock 17, 9mm. It's got
double action and a frame mounted
safety so you can carry it cocked
or locked.

HABER E

That's a good feature.

way eee Hem ae ewe eng oe

e ae eee

LOE
;

BEINFELD
"The Gun"

on tO

ELAINE

How much.
MO

If you like it, don't worry about £t

the price.
MRS. KORN

Mo is very fair.
MO

Jerry, you lost weight?
JERRY

Maybe a little.
MO

(TO ELAINE) That's a Heckler and

Koch. They make a nice gun.
MRS. KORN

So, Jerry, how's your mother?
JERRY

She's fine.
MRS. KORN

Oh, thank God. Tell her Muriel

from the old building says hello.
JERRY

I will...Elaine!

ELAINE, HOLDING A WEAPON.

ELAINE

Look at this, Jerry. It comes in
purple or jade. Jade would go with

my purse.

nd

A e See Jeet ets ees = debe Die:

SEINFELD 27.

"The Gun" ` (€)
JERRY
Great.
(HOLDING A WEAPON) You could do T
some damage with this baby.
-HE OFFERS IT TO JERRY.
JERRY
I don't want that. Damage, you do
with a rock or a stick. You break
a window, you knock out a street
light. Ripping a massive hole
through someone's anatomy is not
damage.
ELAINE TURNS AND POINTS GUN AT JERRY.
ELAINE
(WITH SWAGGER) Shut up wimp, or
I'll blow your brains out.

ELAINE, KRAMER, MO AND MRS. KORN CRACKUP WITH LAUGHTER.
JERRY IS NOT AMUSED.

JERRY
(NOT AMUSED) Yeah, ha, ha, ha...

SUDDENLY THERE'S A POUNDING ON THE DOOR. EVERYONE FREEZES.
ELAINE, KRAMER AND MO HOLD FIREARMS. JERRY’S EYES BULGE IN

HORROR,

BEINFELD
"The Gun"

MO
. Who's there?
(0.C. V.O.) "POLICE. OPEN UP!"
ON THIS FROZEN TABLEAU OF FEAR, WE:

ND O T ONE

28.
(C)

€ o-
- 9

FADE OUT:

7 c—: a o9 m

-— A— 9

a

SEINFELD 29.
"The Gun" (D)

SCENE D

INT. MO’S APARTMENT - SECONDS LATER .
MO -
" Hold it...
HE MOVES TO DOOR WITH GUN.
JERRY
(PANICKED) What are you doing?

Àre you crazy? You'll get us all

killed!
MO
Don't worry...nobody’s gonna get bere vet
hurt... LT
A pn ^
2 ORIS OPEN DOOR, EC COCKED LIKE A "DIRTY HARRY" MOVIE. Pri,
S PN, DOGRWAX,_SNICHERING\ THEY ARE.MO'S - L
rates e te MI. SKEE MA

w PSAL ERA.

I knew it was you...

SEINFELD 30.
"The Gun" i (D)

JERRY AND ELAINE SLUMP IN THE BED. KRAMER LAUGHS? JJ, "-
KRAMER
That was a good one.-: v:
MO xut tc

" » Eug
Thesg are my tyfends, Chicky, and

f
1

xt OM Ro 9]

Fi / fa A f if vA
; Mintz. This is Elaine, Jeryy and
t

i j Kramer. ' i
THEY EXCHANGE AD LIB GREETINGS. JERRY ANB ELAINE
(AD-LIB): "CHICKY...MINTZ<" jx s

-———— 9

| Hope we Mae udis.

to AUS stg

u d E MRS. KORN

í I recognized your voice right away. "
/

/

CHICKY ——— AR
We're going down to 42nd Street,
MRS. KORN
Why don't you boys get some: real
girlfriends,
MINTZ
Look at us. x /
| cHICKY P
Anyway, 42nd Street ig cheaper.

You know what I'm saying.
MRS. KORN

A couple of real schnorrers.

MINTZ

You guys wanna go to lane Street, -—
* or, you don't do that)
\

i

i

LM ed

à

SEINFELD 5 31.
"The Gun" (D)

; ; JERRY È
, We were po leaving. ,
KRAMER , !
[e on Teen, icut bg fun, pro zc
eT) He used to go/ a1 the ‘ine
until he became a bigj shot.
^ — JERRY
1 did pots\ sands A’m(not_a big
Astigt. (EDGY) You ready, Elaine?
ELAINE
(EQUALLY EDGY) No. I haven't e

decided yet. K
JERRY Peet
T7
Es these guys or oe going. wh Oh Oa MA
s / F,
]
| MO | 7 ; P.

/ j
Don’t worry. fimes Square’s/ open

twenty-four hours. The e'g no
/
rush.

M /
JERÉY ROLLS;HIS EYES

"E. CHICKY
i ! , (TO LAINE) Why don’t you come to
/ ree with us. fel got things for
E chicks. "n
ELAINE | 4
/
No tha 8.4. /
: ^ geRRY| /

Elaine.

SEINFELD 32.
"The Gun" (D)

ELAINE
derty, lf you can’t wait, then go
without me.

JERRY z=
: ordi

vide
I thought you were afraid

j IRR MER) ;
We/là.frotect her, Jerry.
i te
: ELAINE

* +
anpere EES

And, besides, when I leave, I’ll

ed

have a gun.

JERRY
Great. Fine. Do what you want.
I'm going. Mo, Chickyy-M*TICZ, Mrs.
Korn, it’s been a pleasure.

MRS. KORN
You've got a hair...

JERRY REMOVES A HAIR FROM HIS SHIRT, SWELES KXUD BEGINS TO
EXIT.

BBY LOOKS BACK AND :

DISSOLVE TO:

— Mo

BEINFELD 33,
"The Gun" (E)

ACTI Two

INT. GEORGE'S CAR
ELAINE SITS ALONE IN BACKSEAT. SUDDENLY, GEORGE GETS IN.

GEORGE
i He'll be right down... (HE CHECKS

HIS WATCH) The flight from Puerto
Rico arrives at 12:30...we're just
qonná make it...should I take the
bridge or the tunnel?...So, anyway,
you were saying, you went to Mo
Korn's but... l

ELAINE
Yeah. Jerry left, but I didn’t buy
anything. I was this close, but I
chickened out. It was just too
weird. I guess I'm not ready to
carry a gun. I don't know how
murderers do it.

GEORGE
Well, Jerry will be happy. ae

x
Ne — 9 9

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

(E)

ELAINE
Yeah. That's the only down side.
Jerry's happiness. Jerry's glee.
There's nothing more insufferable =°
than Jerry Seinfeld when he's
right.

GEORGE
He thinks you bought the gun.

ELAINE
Good. That's what I want him to
think. So don’t say anything.
But, here's what I’m going to do.
At some point tonight, when he's
giving me a hard time and he thinks
his logic is unassailable and his
argument is so persuasive, how
could anybody disagree with him,
I'm gonna whip this out and shove

it in his mouth.

SHE PULLS A GUN OUT OF HIS PURSE.

GEORGE
Wow, that looks real, it's got
waight.
ELAINE
I bought it at the toy store around
the corner from me. But, don’t say
anything. ~
(MORE)

M m o ee ee eee

— — we eye oe.

n

à

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

ELAINE (CONT'D)
I just want to see the look on his
face. I want to see him befoul his
crisp stonewashed blue jeans. I
want him to gulp down one hard
saliva lump of death before I tell
him the truth, okay?
GEORGE
Okay, okay, okay...shh, shh...here
he comes. Here he comes.
JERRY ENTERS CAR. GEORGE AND ELAINE ASSUME CASUAL
i JERRY
George...Annie Oakley...is it warm
in here, or are you just packing
heat? ;
ELAINE
One bullet in the brainpan
oughta drop your body temperature
considerably.
JERRY
I guess that would provide some
cross-ventilation. Can you give me
the Kennedy? In here (MOTIONING TO
THE BACK OF THE HEAD) and out
here. (MOTIONING TO HIS ADAM'S

APPLE)

353
(E)

t
ua

STANCE. `

— — eee

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

1

36.
(E)
ELAINE
Maybe I'll just take a little off
the top.
JERRY =

Aah...the Lincoln.

GEORGE
Did you bring the picture of
Kramer?

JERRY
Yeah. Elaine, could you put this
in your bag, if there’s room with
your arsenal. You’re already
getting that steely glint in your
eyes, like Charles Bronson.

ELAINE
That steady stream of patter is
going to be replaced by a steady
stream of blood.

GEORGE
Should I take the bridge or the
tunnel?

ELAINE
Bridge.

JERRY
Tunnel.

— oe — iid

BEINFELD
"The Gun"

GEORGE
I/11 take the bridge...no, the
tunnel...no, the bridge...the
tunnel...I'l1l take the bridge...
HE TURNS THE STEERING WHEEL.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
,..Ah, I should've taken the
tunnel...
JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF,

37.
(E)

CUT TO:

38.
(G)

vu
-

EXT. TRAFFIC TO AIRPORT (STOCK SHOT)

JERRY (V.0.)
You know, you do that every time. j
You can’t decide whether to take
the bridge or the tunnel. So, you
decide to take the bridge and then,
you take the wrong bridge.

GEORGE\ (V.0.)
Look. The bridge/tynnel thinghas
been a source of anxiety for me
since I first got my license. I’ve
sat up at night trying, to decide
whether to take the bridge or the

tunnel. Don’t make it worse than

-it is...

JERRY (V.O.)
Alright... ]
DISSOLVE TO:

* t 9

—— Ó oe mmo tem Sheet

BEINPELD 39.
"The Gun" (H)

ACT TWO
SCENE H

INT. AIRPORT

Y GEORGE AND IN NTER, JERRY AND GEORGE GLANCING
ABOUT. THEY ARE RUSHED AND NERVOUS.

JERRY

a ~ You ask her.

GEORGE
No, you ask her.
JERRY
No, you ask her.
GEORGE
No, you ask her.
JERRY
I’m not asking her.
GEORGE

If you don't ask her, it's a

forfeit.
JERRY
What about you?
GEORGE

Why should I if you won't? a

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

40.
(H)
JERRY
Alright, we'll both ask her.
GEORGE
Oh, no. That never works. What =

are we gonna do, alternate words?
Elaine, you have to ask.

ELAINE
Me.

GEORGE
(POINTING TO ANONYMOUS WOMAN) No,
her! Yeah, you. Come on, you're a
woman, She’ll relate to you.

lies;

Okay...here she comes. She's

pretty.

ee ee eee

SEINFELD ` 41.
"The Gun" (H)

GEORGE
Too pretty. This woman would never
have sex with Kramer. Unless she
has a fetish for human oddities, in **
which case, I might have a shot.
JERRY
They were drinking. It was dark.
GEORGE
I don’t care if they fell into a
vat of whiskey during a total
eclipse. f
JERRY/ GEORGE
Elaine! Elaine!
CONNIE, AN ATTRACTIVE, RED-HAIRED STEWARDESS, WHEELING A
LITTLE CART WITH A SINGLE BAG, CROSSES. ELAINE IS PUSHED
OUT IN FRONT, RELUCTANTLY, JUST AS QONNZE IS PASSING,
BLOCKING HER PATH. Jou €
ELAINE =
Hi, Connie.
CONNIE
Hi!
ELAINE
I’m Elaine. This is Jerry and
George.
CONNIE
Nice to meet you.
JERRY /GEORGE
(EMBARRASSED) Hi, hello, how are -==

ya...

*

SEINFELD 42.
"The Gun" (H)

CONNIE

Can I help y'all with anything?
GEORGE

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Y’all. as
ELAINE

Well, we sure hope so...uh...how do

I put this...it’s a bit awkward...

CONNIE
Yes?
ELAINE " ‘ i
C^ dest hi [4
Well, we're friends of Days. ‘
p 7 CONNIE
Days?

ue, boule p p.
Davsscgwe-iu. AMER .
once! beds ^ CONNIE
Dave—Zweig?
me, Pe be pane, iow ue
He says he's a very good friend of
yours.
CONNIE
He does?
JERRY
A very good friend.
ELAINE
Yes. He says you became very
friendly on the trip back to
Puerto Rico, last week.

Naat neni ete te

v-

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

43.
(H)

JERRY
(WITH À SLY SMILE) Very
friendly...
CONNIE =f
(HER TONE IS FLAT, UNFRIENDLY)
Really.
ELAINE
Does any of this ring a bell?
JERRY
(TO GEORGE) More like an alarm.
CONNIE "

I'm sorry. I don't recall any pave LANA leomei .
Zw%ig. Perhaps you have me
mistaken for somebody else. If
you'll excuse me.
GEORGE
Sure. Go right ahead. Thanks for
your help, Connie. (HE WINKS AT
HER) So long. Keep ‘em flying.
JERRY
Now, wait a minute. Hang on one
second. Are you in a rush? Can we
buy you a drink. If we could just
explain...
CONNIE
I don’t drink while I’m on duty.
JERRY
Oh, really.

SEINFELD 44.

"The Gun" (H)

GEORGE
Jerry, the woman's in a rush.
These airline people have tight
schedules. Am I right, Connie? is
You'd better hurry...
CONNIE
What is this all about? Who are
you?
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) Show her the thing...
ELAINE OPENS HER POCKETBOOK.
: ELAINE
Let me show you something. Maybe
this will help.
SHE SEARCHES FOR THE PHOTO. AS SHE DOES, SHE PULLS OUT, IN
QUICK SUCCESSION, A HAIRBRUSH, A MIRROR - AND, THE TOY
GUN. CONNIE SCREAMS.
GEORGE
What?

SUDDENLY, GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SWARMED UPON BY ARMED
SECURITY.

GUARDS
Freeze!
THEY ARE SURROUNDED, GUNS OMINOUSLY DIRECTED AT THEM. THEY
RAISE THEIR HANDS. ELAINE'S STILL CLUTCHING THE HAIRBRUSH,
MIRROR AND TOY GUN. |
GEORGE
It’s a toy! It’s a toy!
GUARD ms

You're a toy, pal! =

SEINFELD 45.
"The Gun" (H)

GEORGE
I'm a toy?
ON THEIR SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:

SEINFELD

46.
"The Gun" (J)
ACT TWO
SCENE J
INT. JERRY’S AP N

JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE SIT ON COUCH. UNHAPPY. ARMS CROSSED.

THEY ARE WAITING.

JERRY
This is the last time I order food
to be delivered. The place is a
block away and it's been forty
minutes. We could've picked it up,
eaten it and been sick already.

ELAINE
Call 'em again.

JERRY
What good is that gonna do?
They're gonna say, "It's on it's
way." Then, I'll say, "How could
it be on the way, you're only one
block from my house.

(MORE)

-

t À

SEINPELD
"The Gun"

JERRY (CONT'D)
If the delivery guy slithered on
his stomach, like a snake, he’d be
here already," and, they'll say
"Maybe he got lost." And I'11
say "Maybe. How about definitely,"
and they'll say "Well, what do you
want us to do! and that's the only
relevant question, because they
don’t care. They don’t need my
business. If I'm angry, or unhappy
or dissatified, it’s my tough luck.
It’s the new service motto sweeping
the nation: The customer’s
always wrong!

' GEORGE
I've always said, they should
require these delivery guys to wear
monitoring devices on their ankles.

JERRY
And, how long do you wait to cancel
the order? Do you refuse to pay?
Do you tip?

GEORGE
Definitely not.

47.
(J)

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

48.
(J)

JERRY S
What if it’s not his fault? What
if it’s the kitchen’s fault? Or,
the person who took the call wrote 77
down the wrong address. Should the
delivery guy suffer because there
was a breakdown in dispatching...I
just wanted something to eat!
Instead, I’m going to have an
aneurysm and I'll wind up being fed
through a tube the rest of my life! E

JERRY
Finally.

HE SWINGS OPEN THE DOOR. ENTERS. HE IS CARRYING

AN ENVELOPE.

HE MARCHES OVER TO GEORGE.

KRAMER
Here it is, Georgie. I told ya.
Read it and weep.
JERRY
Is there food in that envelope?
KRAMER
You want me to cook some spagetti?
JERRY
No. We ordered a whole dinner.

We've been waiting an hour.

SEINFELD 49.
"The Gun" (J)

KRAMER
I just saw a delivery guy drop a
big bag of food between two parked
cars.

JERRY
Was it Italian or Chinese?

KRAMER
Red.

JERRY
Red! Marinara. That's it! That's
my rigatoni.

KRAMER
Wait Jerry. Listen to this.
GEORGE TAKES LETTER OUT OF THE ENVELOPE AND BEGINS TO READ.

GEORGE

Dear Bate. LAEE Kopel.»

OER Au
Dove; Zyeys. . . konmie |

GEORGE
Just a quick note to catch you up
on the recent dramatic changes in
my life. First off I am officially
an ex-stewardess. Since my near
brush with death the night I was
accosted by those three crazies a
couple of months back... =%

ELAINE

That’s us!

SEINFELD 50.
"The Gun" (J)

GEORGE
(CONTINUED) I've reassessed my

goals.
JERRY TT
We drove her out of the business!
GEORGE

(CONTINUED) I’ve decided to return
to my first love - sales. Life is

too short and precious to not

i follow your dreams. E
- ` JERRY
l Sales?...
GEORGE

(CONTINUED) Secondly, gaye konve
darling, if my experience at the
airport that night has taught me
* anything, it's taught me this - a
girl can't be too careful these
days. So, I have purchased a gun.
ELAINE HITS JERRY.

" — ÉLAÍNE

You see!
JERRY

Me! It's your fault!

SEINFELD
"The Gun"

51.
(J)

GEORGE
(CONTINUES) If you ever find

yourself in Flagstaff and you want

I
ui

to buy something, please look me
up. And finally, my love, since
our rendezvous in the sky, I'm
still in the clouds. (GEORGE LOOKS
UP AT THE OTHERS, CRESTFALLEN) If
you file a claim, the airline might
reimburse you for your sock...Love,

Connie...

GEORGE PLACES LETTER DOWN.

KRAMER
I think you owe Jerry some money.
GEORGE
Why? This doesn't prove anything.
It's not notarized or anything.
It's hardly a legal document. Up
in the clouds. That could be a
drug reference.
JERRY
Come on pay up! ‘
GEORGE
This letter wouldn’t hold up in

court.

i

SEINFELD 52.
"The Gun" ` (J)

KRAMER
You know, this is nothing. I once
had sex with a girl on the "pP"
train during rush hour. And I
still see that girl.
GEORGE’
Get outta here!
d KRAMER
You wanna bet! I’ll call her right
now. x
AND AS THEY ARGUE, WE:
A OUT